It’s 8 am. It’s a new day and you’re feeling good. You’ve got your coffee in hand and a list of things you need to accomplish for the day. It’s a long list, but you can handle this. 

Feed the dog- check. 

Pay your phone bill-check.

Respond to that email, set up an appointment then reschedule said appointment- check, check, and check. 

You’re feeling accomplished and crossing things off your to-do list when suddenly…you hit a snag. You get a notification that you forgot a credit card payment again and now there’s a late fee. Or you just remembered that you never responded to that important work email and now your boss is upset. And oh wait, it’s the 22nd?! You never called your Nana to wish her a happy birthday which was three days ago!

Before you know it, you’re on hold with 1-800 Flowers and you’ve got 15 different tabs open on your computer as you try to tackle every task all at once. Oh, and your inbox is getting more and more full by the minute.

In the same way that sweaters are more prone to snags because of the nature of knitted fabrics, ADHDers are more vulnerable to snags because of the nature of our emotional dysregulation. What’s more, once ensnared by a distraction or obstacle, we have the same propensity to unravel. And rather than just let it be, we pull at the dangling thread and get caught in a tangled mess of shame, guilt, blame, and rumination. 

“This always happens.”
“I can’t do anything right.” 

“I’m never going to do a good job.” 

We begin to use catastrophizing language like “always” and “never” and we assume the absolute worst is going to happen. Since I’m late on this bill, my credit score is definitely going to drop; which probably means I’ll never be able to qualify for a loan or take out a mortgage or own a house or have a family and so on and so on. We create conclusions that others may dismiss as dramatic over-exaggerations, but to us feel so incredibly real. This black and white thinking is not only painful, it’s draining. And when our energy begins to deplete, we lose momentum to finish the tasks we were set out to do for the day. 

So what do we do? How do we get back on track? How do we find our reset button? 

(Well, nothing a little sewing analogy can’t teach us.)

Don’t cut the thread!

Instead of denying or cutting yourself off from the sensations that are coming up: face them. Acknowledge your emotions. Allow yourself to feel. Avoid getting distracted by some other task that is not a priority. However uncomfortable or scary it seems, confront your feelings and sit with them.

Capture the Snag

The first step to fixing a snag is to insert the crochet hook from the “wrong side” of the sweater. Write down some of the thoughts and sensations you’re experiencing that are automatically coming to the surface surrounding this perceived “failure.” Grant yourself freedom to express your guilt or shame- stream of consciousness style. Get messy. And remember, no one has to see this but you. 

Smooth the Pulled Threads

Much like one tackles a loose thread on a sweater, you must handle yourself with patience and care. Take a look at what you wrote and ask yourself “Are these thoughts based in rational truth or emotional fear? Will you really lose your job after one missed email or mistake?

In DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), a central concept pulled from Zen Buddhism is that there are three primary states of the mind: the emotional mind, the reasonable mind, and the wise mind. Everyone possesses these states, but many of us gravitate towards the emotional or the reasonable minds- especially those with ADHD.

Our emotional mind activates when feelings control our thoughts and behavior like: “What’s the point?” “I’m the worst.” “I’ll never finish this anyway.” This kind of thinking can lead us to act impulsively. 

Our reasonable mind activates when we approach a situation intellectually. However, with ADHD, this can lead to bargaining and procrastination: “I’ll start this tomorrow.” “There’s not enough time.” “Next week I’ll have more focus.” We find reasons why it’s not practical in the moment and can rationalize our choices to get out of a task.

The wise mind refers to a balance between the two, where the emotional and reasonable overlap.  It is a place where we can acknowledge our feelings but still respond to them in a rational manner. Rather than focusing on yesterday or tomorrow, we must throw ourselves into the present moment with compassion and acceptance.

This is what the wise mind might sound like: Today was hard. There was a lot on my plate and I may have bit off more than I can chew but that’s okay. Now what can I do in this moment? Is there a small step I can take to make progress on my goals? 

Knot in Place

When we acknowledge that we’ve fallen off track, there is an opportunity to reset. However small a step, we must remember to cherish and value our efforts. Negativity does not breed motivation, so we must be compassionate with ourselves. 

Obstacles will always be there,  but we must dig deep and find those inner reserves of strength and perseverance because that is our superpower as ADHDers. We have grit. While inconsistencies are a frustrating part of being ADHD, we must readjust our expectations so we can better plan for them and respond proactively instead of leaning into self-defeating tendencies. 

So you had a bad morning and didn’t get as much off your to-do list as you thought. That doesn’t mean the rest of the day is ruined. Take a walk and restart after lunch. So you didn’t go to the gym this week like you wanted to. Be easy on yourself and re-commit. Focus on progress, not perfection.

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We hope that you found these tips and strategies useful. If you or someone you know needs extra assistance implementing strategies like the ones discussed above, then our lead ADHD Coach Aaron Smith is here to help! Please reach out to Aaron for a complimentary 30-min. Phone Consultation, or schedule it online, here.