Together We Can End the Cycle of ADD/ADHD Shame

Sharing my story of ADHD Shaming

Growing up I felt shame about having ADD (as it was called back then). I was diagnosed at the age of 7, but my struggles started even earlier. I remember that I hated nap time. I was the only child in pre-school who refused to take a nap, after all that was the only time when I could get individualized attention from the staff. Like many children I was told to follow-along and “behave” – or else! I got into trouble often, but what I craved was stimulation and attention. When I couldn’t get attention in a positive manner, I’d settle for negative attention. I’d act out.

They would tell me to lay down and be quite. I’d promptly jump up and start running around the entire center, which sparked an exciting game of chase. Eventually, they tried another strategy. They decided to let me stay up and not force me to take a nap. Instead, they assigned one of the daycare providers to watch me, and make sure I wasn’t disturbing the other sleeping children. I remember learning to tie my shoe during nap time. I would attempt it over and over again, until finally I could tie my shoe.

As I got older it got worse

For much of my childhood the adults in my life were not understanding of my ADHD brain. As I got older they became less willing to make accommodations or adapt things to the way I learned best. I struggled got into trouble at school on a regular basis and then I would get punished when I got home. Day after day the cycle continued.

Working with ADD/ADHD and not against it

You see my mind was overactive and as a child (who hadn’t learned to control their impulses or filter their responses yet) this translated into behaviors which were labeled “hyperactive” and “impulsivity.” Therefore, the common ADHD symptoms that we see outwardly are actually  just a reflection of internal conditions within the child – such as their racing thoughts, boredom, and frustrations. The challenge is to understand your child’s ADHD mind and specific learning style. Then work from their strengths to address the behavioral challenges.

So what do We do? 

I say we, in the general sense. What do we as a society do with such children? Well, typically expect the child to conform to the status quo and fit-in. When they deviate from this norm, we label the child with ADD/ADHD. Then teachers, parents, school staff, and other people within positions of authority proceed to blame the child. We assume that they are being lazy, careless, ignoring us on purpose, etc. When in reality, children with ADD/ADHD can not easily control their emotional states, their reactiveness, nor their boundless energy. Therefore, this effort is both counterproductive and damaging to their self-esteem.

Why do We shame our children?

We tell them that it’s their fault. We tell them they need to try harder. We say that they are “misbehaving” and label them “the bad child.” Overtime the child starts to internalize these beliefs and believes that they are “not _____ enough.” This is what I refer to as the cycle of blaming and shaming. We blame them for their behaviors (some that they can’t control) then shame them into submission.

The consequences

The consequences may not be immediately evident, but overtime they can be devastating. Children start to develop an unhealthy self-concept and/or low self-esteem. However, we know that using discipline styles and punishments that are physical (spanking/hitting), overly critical (yelling/putting the child down), or otherwise overtly punitive approaches, don’t work well with children who have ADHD. Moreover, it can lead to self-destructive behaviors.

Many children respond by being more sneaky and start lying to cover up their actions. They learn these adaptive responses, as a way to get out of “getting into trouble.” As they age, it can lead to a deep sense of inadequacy, guilt, and shame. In their teens, they may feel depressed or a sense of inadequacy. The lesson that they learn is: “the harder I try to stop doing what it is that the adults/society wants me to do, the more trouble I create for myself.” Essentially the blame from outside, turns into a self-critical internal voice that eats away at one’s self-esteem.

What are the alternatives?

To end this destructive cycle and ADHD shaming. We all need to do the following:

1) Get informed about the neurobiological-basis of ADHD and adjust our disciplinary styles, so that they work WITH ADHD, instead of against it. (EX: positive reinforcement, rewards, individual attention, praise, etc.)

2) Stop using blaming/shaming language, and start noticing the positive. (EX: telling them good job, building them up rather than putting them down, and pointing out when they do something right.)

3) Recognize and actively support our children’s talents, strengths, interests, and abilities.  

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